This was about a year ago. I had a cold and it was the only thing sold on campus that wouldn’t put me to sleep. Instead, it made me hyper-alert, very talkative, and capable of seeing color more vividly than usual.

Alcohol makes me very touchy (like literally, I touch people), talkative, and happy. Then I wake up on the floor of my bathroom wearing nothing but a single sock–plus a series of missed calls from people I haven’t spoken to in years, a bruise on my forehead, a group of Japanese tourists taking pictures of my sorry carcass, a half-eaten can of tomato paste by my side, and a gallon of coyote urine ($32.95 on Amazon at the moment) on its way.

Marijuana (I prefer to call it by its full name) makes me sleepy, patient, and slightly paranoid. Then I go to rehearsal where I have a really hard time keeping up because I spent too long wondering about whether my viola is a small cello or a big violin, and what a quarter rest, like, really means.

DayQuil was actually the most potent of these three for me (and it’s the only one I’ve completely sworn off). It’s also by far the most legal.

 

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